Broken Not Damaged

Abandonment from a love one can hurt you down to your core. Especially if it starts with your mother. Not experiencing love from the person who is suppose to be your first love can be very damaging. There is two ways to look at not wanting your child and giving the child away. One way is if you feel you are absolutely doing your best by giving the child away. The second is that you are just selfish and you do not care about the child. I do know who my birth mother is and we are not on bad terms I love my mother and a lot of things I held on to then, I don't now due to me experiencing motherhood and the different struggles. Do I agree with some of her actions? No. The issue started there with not feeling that love from my mom. Not knowing who my father is. Why did my mom give me up but keep my sister? Why doesn't her husband like me? Wondering if I was a burden to my grandparents and is that why I felt like they were mean because they were hard on me? Did they resent me? All those small feelings that led me to look for love or to feel like I belonged. Getting in the wrong relationships and staying because I didn't have any where else to go. Experiencing women friendships that turned into sexual relationships. Rushing into relationships not knowing when to cut things off because I didn't want any one to feel like I gave up on them because I wanted the same in return. But in return, I experienced a lot of heart ache and confusion. I picked up toxic traits. Its like each encounter I had with people they took something good from me and replaced it with something bad. I never really knew how to love even though I was looking for love. I knew how to survive. So ask yourself are you looking for something you can not even give? If the answer is yes then you still have to work on you and that is okay. I am still working on me and self love is the best love cause when you are bettering your self it is just that much better when your better half come along. That is what I believe. I still have not gave up on the idea of love and I don't let my past experiences determine my future.